Not a great day - I changed my mind, it's a great day!

I want to start by saying that I rarely complain about my pain because it doesn't help anything and it makes everyone around me sad, but today I'm going to do it. (Sorry) My pain is so bad I can hardly stand it, it has made me cry and makes me want to scream! There, I said it. The walls didn't fall down and the earth didn't shake. I know that sounds silly but trust me, it has everything to do with how I was raised. You know, something about suck it up soldier. Besides, I don't want to bring everyone around me down, I feel bad enough for a hundred people sometimes. I'm pretty sure I caused this myself by trying to wean off the steroids before my body was ready, but you don't know if you don't try. This flare looks like it's turning into one of those really long ones, I was afraid of that. It started with my whole body covered in hives and rashes that moved around, popping up somewhere then disappearing and popping up somewhere else. I even had the butterfly rash on my face, just lighter this time. It never ceases to amaze me how many different ways this disease can present itself. There are so many symptoms associated with it I can hardly keep up. I don't usually have rashes that bad at the start of a flare, normally it's a combination of ulcers, swelling in my hands (very painful), extreme tenderness in my joints and muscles that makes me walk like a ninety year old woman, small rashes and various other signs. My asthma always worsens, but the one thing that drives me the craziest is that my hair starts falling out. I mean clumps of it, not just when I brush it but just running my hands through it gets me the same result. I cannot tell you how glad I am now that I had unusually thick hair all my life. I didn't like it so much growing up because it was a hassle, but I'm grateful now. It's funny the things you become grateful for when you have Lupus, things most people take for granted. That's one thing I hope anyone with Lupus remembers, as bad as it is that day, the pain, the depression and the isolated feelings, there is always, I promise you, always someone out there worse off than you. All you have to do is turn on the news to understand that. I don't mean to get on my soapbox but I've read a few blogs about Lupus and the thing that breaks my heart is that not one of them talked about anything good in their lives. I get the craziness of having this disease, the endless rounds of doctors appointments, the endless bouts of pain and the feeling that nobody truly understands what you are going through, but I can't believe that none of these people have anything good in their lives. I hope I'm wrong and that they've just chosen to only write about the downside of this disease (as if there is an upside), but I get the feeling that some of these people have just given up and that really does break my heart. Life is so precious that as long as you're breathing there is something good in your life, there has to be you know, something to hold on to until you start feeling better, anything to grasp and strangle until you come out on the other side. I have to believe that or I wouldn't make it through these flares and I don't think others can either. Now (stepping down off my soapbox) I feel stupid for writing this stuff sometimes, but I think that's what this is all about, I least I hope it is. Did I mention that I was on heavy drugs? No? I'll tell you about that later when I'm not feeling so loopy. I always start these early in the day and don't finish them until the end of the day, that's why I jump around so much, I'm not that loopy yet LOL. I hope you all have a great evening and a blessed night.